


The Heart that Hungers

by Caped-Ace (PsychopompSentinel)



Category: Naruto
Genre: Canon Compliant, Domestic, First Kiss, Injury Recovery, KakaIru Week 2019, Light Angst, M/M, Mutual Pining, Not Actually Unrequited Love, Pining, Romantic Fluff, Set During the Time Naruto was Away with Jiraiya, Soft Kakashi, a lot of hand holding, and they were ROOMMATES
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-09-10
Updated: 2019-09-10
Packaged: 2020-10-13 20:00:29
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,853
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20588246
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/PsychopompSentinel/pseuds/Caped-Ace
Summary: With Naruto away training life for Umino Iruka had gotten quiet, but that quiet had been broken up periodically by the kindness of Hatake Kakashi, who discreetly delivered him letters from their mutual student whenever he got the chance. Which was great, amazingly thoughtful even, but the problem lay within the fact that it made Iruka's heart starved for more. For Kakashi. And so he kept a polite distance, didn't let on to feelings he had no right to have for someone as incredible as Hatake Kakashi. But the universe had a way of setting things right, of pushing people like Iruka, who deserved more than they gave themselves credit for.Enter Senju Tsunade, Godaime Hokage of Konohagakure, and resident overly-stressed medical professional who could not take another second of Kakashi being a reckless idiot. She assigns the most caring man she knows to care for the most infuriating man, official mission scroll and everything, and calls it a day. And while Iruka takes the assignment (though whether it was willingly is up for debate) he can't help but wonder if he can survive a week in the company of the man his heart hungers for.





	The Heart that Hungers

**Author's Note:**

> This is for the first day of KakaIru Week 2019, which had the theme "Firsts". I'm a day late, almost two, and you can expect all my entries for this week to be several days later in true Kakashi fashion. My only excuse is that I didn't even know this week was happening until 2am on the day this first piece needed to be complete, so I literally wrote this in two sittings while also having to Adult™. Hope you enjoy it!
> 
> If you wanna chat pop by my tumblr: [♠ Caped-Ace ♠](https://caped-ace.tumblr.com/)

It was completely by chance that Iruka ran into Tsunade at the exact moment she had begun her search for him, and he couldn't tell you whether such a coincidence was a good thing or not. Not when she realized it was him that she'd nearly bowled over in the hall, his arms full of paperwork from the Mission Desk that needed to be filed, then had taken his burden to pass over to Shizune, grabbed his arm, and dragged him into the nearest unoccupied room. Blinking a bit rapidly, Iruka's lips parted to inquire what this was all about but was stalled by Tsunade's raised hand, her expression weary as she huffed out a large sigh.

"I have a mission for you, Umino," she said by way of an explanation for her behavior, and Iruka immediately stood straighter, tucking his hands into the small of his back to stand at parade rest. Nodding, taking in his attentiveness and seemingly pleased by it, Tsunade went on. "This is gonna sound, well, probably fucking ridiculous, but I need someone to care for Hatake Kakashi for the next week," she said, and Iruka couldn't help but furrow his brow in confusion, which only made her sigh again and slap her hands on his shoulders. He was proud to note he only wobbled a little under the strength of the gesture.

"Like I said, fucking ridiculous, but the brat is just that—a brat—and you're the resident expert in handling those." Tsunade smiled sharply, her eyes narrowed, and while Iruka refused to show it, he was quite a bit intimidated by the expression; it turned out, however, the look wasn't really meant for him. "Kakashi went and burnt the crap out of both of his hands on his last mission, so they're wrapped up and mostly useless, but that didn't stop him from leaving the hospital in the dead of night and hiding away at the old Hatake compound. Brat thinks he's fine, but I know he's not, and as much as I'd like to lock him up in a hospital room he can't escape from and make sure he actually gets better, I just don't have the time nor patience for that."

"Thus, giving me this...mission," Iruka said, his voice lilting into almost a question with the final word. The last time he'd been given a babysitting mission was back when he'd first become a genin, and here he was, in his 20's and a respected academy teacher, being asked, no, tasked with caring for a full-grown man who was merely too flippant to actually take care of himself properly. When Tsunade nodded, looking delighted, Iruka knew there was no way he'd be able to turn down this assignment, despite how much this complicated his plans to keep a safe distance from Kakashi. Having feelings for a man that he had no right to even entertain the notion would like him back was hard enough, but now he was going to have to be Kakashi's primary caregiver at the Hokage's insistence. 

Wonderful.

Before he got lost in his own thoughts on the matter, Iruka asked, "Is there anything in particular I should be made aware of? You said he burnt his hands...can I ask how that happened? And is this going to disrupt my current work schedule?"

Sliding her hands off his shoulders and crossing her arms over her ample chest, Tsunade leaned back against the storage shelves, looking contemplative. "The details of the mission are classified, but the important bits are that he got caught in a chakra-destabilizing mist, because of course he did, tried to use his Raikiri technique in both hands like a desperate idiot, and wound up with a couple of charred limbs that I had to work my ass off to make sure he didn't lose. The poison is still working its way out of his system, so he can't use any chakra without it going haywire, and his hands will need to be cleaned, treated, and wrapped daily to make all my hard work on them actually stick.

"As far as your schedule, I'm sorry but I'm going to really need you to watch our dumbass closely, so I'll have your classes covered by a substitute for the week and your Mission Desk shifts taken care of," she said, and actually appeared a little reluctant in having to do so, which surprised him more than having his work taken from him for awhile. Iruka refused to acknowledge the use of 'our' in that statement as well, sure that it was a slip of the tongue. Tsunade tilted her head a bit to the side and smiled in a much more friendly manner than before, saying, "I have the mission scroll already written up in my office, so we can go get it before you leave the tower for the day. I'm really counting on you for this, Umino—Kakashi needs to understand that people care about him, regardless of how little he cares about himself."

And it was with those words floating through his brain on repeat that Iruka found himself standing outside the gate of the Hatake compound an hour later, a bag thrown over his shoulder with several changes of clothes and some toiletries, as he was apparently going to have to stay here until his mission was over. When he'd read that in the mission scroll he'd balked, nearly tripping over nothing while walking into his apartment, and had felt his face burning. It'd taken ten minutes of pacing around his living room and incoherent muttering to himself before Iruka had gotten his complexion under control, steeled his resolve, and reminded himself that it wasn't about him. 

It was about helping Kakashi, whether the man wanted help or not.

So with one more fortifying breath (of which he'd taken many on the way over) Iruka crossed the threshold of the compound gate and approached the front door of the what he hoped was the main building, knocking tentatively. Almost immediately Iruka heard shuffling on the other side of the door, then some fumbling and frustrated mumbling, until finally a very familiar voice spoke up.

"I can't open the door," Kakashi said, sounding bored in a way that Iruka recognized was meant to cover up what had to be annoyance; considering his current situation it was understandable. "Sorry, you'll have to come back another time."

Biting his lip to stop himself from chuckling, Kakashi's voice reminding him of his students when they'd get all sulky over one thing or another and try to hide it (very poorly), Iruka shook his head and placed a hand against the door's surface. He could feel quite the number of wards surrounding the entrance, some convoluted and tricky, but he was relieved to find out that it wasn't anything he couldn't bypass; it helped that they were awfully old and obviously not kept up, and Iruka was a little thankful for that as he didn't have all day to stand there and disarm wards. Tsunade would kill him if he started his mission to help an injured Kakashi by getting himself injured first.

"Kakashi-san, if you're alright with it I can simply let myself in," Iruka said calmly, his thumb brushing the surface of the door as if to soothe the man on the other side.

"Iruka-sensei?" he heard Kakashi say, sounding startled. There was a bit more fumbling, another frustrated noise, and then the distinct sound of a head coming to rest against the door with a definitive 'thunk'. "You'll have to find another way in—this way is too dangerous and I can't really do anything about it at the moment."

Grinning to himself, Iruka brushed his hand over the spot he thought Kakashi might be and said, "It'll be fine, just give me a minute." It took more like five minutes, almost six, but Iruka closed his eyes, carefully thread his chakra into the many wards around the entrance, and used his finely-tuned chakra control to slowly but surely disarm the wards and make them dormant. It helped immensely that wards and traps were a speciality of his, and he could only thank his uncouth childhood antics for that as he turned the doorknob and carefully swung the door open.

Being greeted by the sight of Kakashi holding his hitai-ate up with a bandaged hand, the Sharingan exposed, was not what Iruka was expecting, nor was it something the fool of a man should've been doing in the first place. A fact which had Iruka lurching forward, looking alarmed, and grabbing Kakashi's hand carefully to gently slide the hitai-ate back down.

"You're not supposed to be using chakra!" Iruka reprimanded, though he kept his voice consciously soft. He didn't want the first thing he did while in Kakashi's family home to be yelling at him, even if that was one thing he was particularly known for doing; not like he could help it when his fellow shinobi thought it was acceptable to turn in half-finished and/or sullied reports into the Mission Desk, or his students thought lighting the classroom trashcan on fire was a good idea.

But not here, not with Kakashi.

While he knew he didn't have a snowball's chance in hell with the man, that didn't mean Iruka wanted him to think poorly of him. It'd taken over a year to simply earn Kakashi's friendship (or, at least, he thought of it as friendship—Iruka had no idea what Kakashi really thought of him) and he wasn't going to do anything to ruin all that hard work. So it was something of a relief when Kakashi's visible eye curled into a smile, the shape of his lips under the face mask following suit.

"It's alright, Sensei," Kakashi said, and Iruka noticed how close they now were due to his actions. "While the rest of me is out of sorts, the Sharingan wasn't affected."

Iruka was only barely able to stop himself from getting noticeably embarrassed by their proximity, or the fact that he still had a hand over Kakashi's against the man's face, but he still felt it and had to look away to murmur out, "That doesn't mean you should be using it." Although, that left Iruka wondering. "Why were you using it, anyway?" he asked, looking back up questioningly.

Rather than answer right away Kakashi shifted his hand so he could grasp Iruka's, carefully bringing it downward but not letting go, staring at their clasped hands in something like curious wonder, all while Iruka was thankful that the bandages were thick enough that there was no way Kakashi could feel his pulse jump at the small, innocent gesture. Or, he damn well hoped they were, or else, mission be damned, he was going to turn around and run right out of the village. Surely becoming a missing-nin couldn't be too hard if so many people did it.

"I wanted to watch you work," Kakashi finally stated, his voice pleasant in a way that, even if Iruka didn't know he already was, he'd be able to tell Kakashi was smiling merely from hearing it. "It's been a very long time since anyone besides myself undid those wards, and you were so precise and careful I'm glad I didn't miss it. You're quite good at that."

That brought heat to Iruka's face, and he couldn't do anything but stare down at their feet, which only made the heat worse at the reminder of how close they were. Curse his father for giving him his propensity to blush at the smallest display of affection, or at any compliment, or really anything positive said to him or done for him; his mother had found it adorable and had made his father blush whenever she could, which Iruka had enjoyed watching when he was young, but now he just wanted to curl up and hide. In a lame attempt at distracting from what had to be a beet-red shade across his face, Iruka used his freehand to pull the mission scroll out of his pocket and held it up for Kakashi to look at instead of him.

"Tsunade-sama gave me this today," Iruka said, clearing his throat a bit. Before Kakashi could even take it, however, he added, "I'd like to preface this with the fact that, had I'd known you were injured, I would've visited on my own terms, so please don't think I'm here reluctantly or anything." Sure, Iruka _was_ there a little reluctantly, but it had nothing to do with anything Kakashi had said or done—that was all him and his inappropriate feelings towards the man—so he wanted to nip any negative thoughts on the matter Kakashi may have in the bud before they even had a chance to form. They were friends (again, he hoped so anyway), after all, and while playing nursemaid and staying at Kakashi's home for a week uninvited was more than he would've dared to do on his own, that didn't mean he wouldn't have done something.

Kakashi finally let his hand go and took the scroll from Iruka, leaving Iruka to grasp his own hands behind him nervously, and glance up when a full minute passed and Kakashi hadn't said anything. He'd expected exasperation, maybe even a bit of irritation at having his privacy intruded upon per the Hokage's orders, but instead Iruka saw Kakashi's hands shaking ever so slightly and his visible eye widen, the skin above his face mask a bit pinker than normal. 

Immediately concerned, Iruka brought his hands up to hover worriedly between them, and softly inquired, "Kakashi-san? Are you okay?"

Blinking once, and only once, everything Iruka had observed suddenly vanished and all he was left with was the expression Kakashi made when he was trying to cover up a slip of emotion, something he'd caught onto after a year of carefully observing the man. Kakashi's eye smiled, but his mouth didn't, and his entire face relaxed in a way that (to Iruka at least) was painfully forced, followed by the signature slouch in his posture as he handed Iruka back the scroll and then slid his bandaged hands into his pockets. 

Before Iruka could say anything Kakashi turned around and took a few steps away from him, then glanced over his shoulder and said, "Well, Iruka-sensei, looks like my home is your home for the next few days, so follow me."

Rather than push his luck by insisting on Kakashi telling him what was wrong Iruka simply did as asked after slipping off his sandals, following behind Kakashi silently as they wandered further into the main house. It became something of a tour as Kakashi pointed out the living room, the kitchen, the bathroom, and a spare bedroom right across the hall from Kakashi's own. Iruka set his things down in the room he was offered to stay in, noting that it was much bigger than the tiny bedroom he had at his apartment, and then was led back to the living room so they could sit down and talk.

The low-sat table they got themselves comfortable at was situated near two sliding paper doors that, when Kakashi opened them, Iruka saw had a rather lovely view of the garden. It was a bit unkempt, there was evidence of dogs having run through it numerous times, and the koi pond only had a single koi swimming around in it, but the picture it made was oddly charming and made Iruka's heart clench. As nice as it was it also gave off a strangely lonely feeling, so much so that Iruka had to look away, turning to face Kakashi only to find the man already staring back at him. He only jolted a little in surprise but he could tell Kakashi noticed, as his relaxed appearance became a bit more genuine, obviously amused by something.

"So, how do you plan for this next week to go, Iruka-sensei?" Kakashi asked him, sounding honestly curious.

Glancing at the table's surface as he considered his words carefully, Iruka eventually just sighed and shrugged, reaching up to lightly scratch at the scar that bisected his face. "I really didn't have anything specific in mind. I only found out about your injury an hour ago, and wasn't particularly happy with the fact that I was being forced into your space without your consent, so I suppose I should be asking you that," Iruka said, his expression turning more serious as he locked eyes with Kakashi.

"How do _you_ want this next week to go?"

Kakashi appeared taken aback by that, and it didn't sit right with Iruka that Kakashi had been prepared to be wrangled into a schedule he didn't ask for, by Iruka of all people, but Kakashi was, if nothing else, a loyal shinobi. Which, Iruka supposed, meant he'd even go along with a ridiculous mission like this one if the Hokage herself ordered it, but that still didn't mean Iruka felt okay with that. He didn't care for the idea that Kakashi was hurting and not letting anyone help take care of him, but it still should be his choice whether or not to accept help.

It must've showed on his face exactly what he was thinking because any of the stiffness that Kakashi had been holding onto bled right out of him, and every inch of him looked calm and sincere as he leaned forward, rested his arms gingerly against the table, and smiled. "If it had been anyone else I would've answered with 'I want to be left alone', but, because it's you, I think having someone around to take care of me won't be so bad after all," Kakashi said, and Iruka thought he was going to combust right there and then.

Floundering for anything to say and coming up with absolutely nothing, his brain mortifyingly blank, Iruka was saved from his humiliating response when Kakashi laughed softly and sat up.

"How about this: we both just do our own thing during the day, as much as any other couple would while sharing the same space, and if I need help with anything I'll be sure to ask for it? Then in the evenings you can do what you have to do for my hands, we have dinner, and call it a night?" Kakashi suggested easily. Despite the idea of sharing dinner with him every night for a week sending Iruka's heart into palpitations, not at all helped by the use of the word ‘couple’, he nodded, finding that acceptable.

"You better ask for help if you need it, or we'll have words," Iruka threw out before he could stop himself, and stuck to it even after he registered what he'd said. It was a reasonable thing to say, he thought, considering Kakashi's track record, and even Kakashi seemed to agree with how he chuckled a bit.

"Fair enough." 

When Kakashi stood up from the table and stretched a bit, Iruka stared hard at the table to avoid glimpsing the strip of skin along Kakashi's stomach that peeked out from the lifted hem of the man's shirt, but glanced back up when Kakashi said his name. "Make yourself at home, Iruka-sensei," Kakashi said, "I'm gonna catch a nap. If you need anything don't be afraid to let me know."

Iruka nodded and watched him leave, listening until his footsteps faded down the hallway, and then let out a girthy breath that felt as if it had been trapped in his chest this entire time. Folding his arms on the table and lowering his head against them, Iruka stared out into the garden and tried to will his pounding heart to calm the hell down, but the serene scene before him wasn't doing anything to help. All this might've been easier if Kakashi had gotten mad at him invading his space, or at the very least annoyed, but no, he'd been gracious and welcoming and kind. Groaning quietly into his arms Iruka pushed himself to his feet and headed down the hall, retreating to his borrowed room so that he could get his shit together long enough to work out how he was going to survive the next seven days.

It was going to be one hell of a week.

He was more or less right. The two of them got into a shockingly smooth routine of spending their days in each other's company, and nights alone in their respective spaces. In the mornings they exercised together by going for runs around the village and shared breakfast; the afternoons were spent relaxing in the living room, Kakashi reading one of his non-Icha Icha romance novels while laying on the couch, and Iruka utilizing the table that had the garden view to get ahead on his class work (and occasionally his research on barrier seals, which he'd caught Kakashi glancing at a few times); and the evenings were an odd amalgamation of closeness and distance. 

Tsunade made her daily visit right before sunset to examine Kakashi before disappearing as abruptly as she’d arrived, which would leave Kakashi quiet and rigid, but Iruka quickly got the hang of navigating the 'post-Tsunade' times. He'd draw Kakashi a bath, gently help him scrub down without ever looking at too much or touching more than what was professional, clean and rewrap Kakashi’s hands, and then get to work on starting dinner while Kakashi soaked away the tension. Iruka wasn't much of a cook, so unless Kakashi joined him in the process it was always a simple meal, which he learned after two nights of basically the same miso-rice-grilled fish combination so Kakashi routinely joined in half-way into the process, much to Iruka's chagrin and Kakashi's amusement.

Four days into Iruka's mission saw their first moment of contention. Kakashi's hands shook so much from helping cook dinner that, by the time they were ready to eat, Kakashi couldn't even hold his chopsticks without dropping them. So Iruka offered to help him, only for Kakashi to hiss, "I'm not a child—I don't need you to treat me like one!"

It took everything in him to not snap something back, his anxiety over Kakashi's well-being not appreciating being insulted. His care was being treated as if he were being patronizing. But when Iruka took a mental step back, could see the signs of Kakashi being in pain and trying to hide it (though much more poorly than he normally could have, which spoke volumes of his current pain levels), he knew this reaction was merely him lashing out. Kakashi couldn't be mad at the pain, it wasn’t a living thing he could vent his agitation at, but he could be mad at Iruka. The irony in Kakashi saying not to treat him like a child was that the response was very childlike—Iruka had seen it hundreds of times, especially in the children from well-known clans.

They hated having their pain acknowledged, to be seen as weak, and while Kakashi normally was like that in his own special way that masqueraded as maturity, right then and there Iruka could see exactly what kind of kid he'd been. Tsunade was right: Kakashi was a bit of a brat sometimes, and Iruka was the resident expert in handling those.

Repositioning his chair to be beside Kakashi, he carefully picked up Kakashi's bowl of rice and chopsticks, snagged a good bite of rice from the bowl, and held it up to the level of Kakashi's mouth. "Then don't act like one," Iruka stated simply, a challenge in his eyes. A challenge which he saw reflected back at him in the exact moment in which Kakashi accepted it.

Kakashi's trembling hand came up and he hooked a finger under his face mask, starting to pull it down, but before it was tugged even half a centimeter Iruka shifted his gaze to about Kakashi's ribs. Out of the corner of his eye he noticed Kakashi pause, as if looking away hadn't been what he'd expected Iruka to do, but he must've finished adjusting his mask once he started moving again because Iruka felt the slight tug of the chopsticks and knew Kakashi had taken the bite he'd been holding out.

Kakashi softly admitted, after they were done, that that had been the first time anyone had fed him. He'd sounded so introspective and small Iruka had had to fight back the urge to do something to comfort him, the implications of such a little statement heart-wrenching.

And so it went on like that. Iruka let Kakashi continue help cook dinner, as it proved to be a good exercise for his injured hands, but that left him more tired by the time they were ready to eat, so Iruka expertly fed Kakashi without ever seeing his exposed face.

The final day Iruka was tasked with staying at the Hatake compound almost snuck up on him, having gotten so used to his new routine, so used to living with Kakashi, that remembering he had to leave eventually was jarring in a rather perturbing way. He started that day as he had every other, sharing his morning exercise and breakfast with Kakashi, but when the afternoon rolled around he deviated from the norm. Iruka left Kakashi in the living room while he went to his bedroom and packed up his things, his movements slow and measured—reluctant, if he was being honest with himself. So much so that he must have taken too much time to pack because he felt a presence behind him, and wasn’t surprised to see Kakashi standing in the doorway. His arms were loosely crossed over his chest, watching him as Iruka sat in the middle of the floor on his knees, having been fiddling with a book rather than putting it in his bag.

“Last day, huh?” Kakashi inquired in a calm voice, nearly a whisper.

Iruka blinked, lowering his head to stare once more at the book in his hands, his fingers idly tapping the cover. Taking a quick, fortifying breath, Iruka put on a smile and looked back up at Kakashi, saying, “I’ll be out of your hair by tonight. You won’t have to deal with me hovering anymore.”

He had no idea what his expression looked like—he felt himself smiling, he refused to do anything that wasn’t smiling despite feeling he really shouldn’t be—but whatever Kakashi saw made his brow furrow in what Iruka hoped wasn’t concern. It only got worse when Kakashi stepped into the room and came to sit down right in front of Iruka, his head tilting to the side to keep looking at him when Iruka glanced away, that already brittle smile faltering so much it really didn’t qualify as one anymore. They sat in silence for a minute, the tension thick, but then one of the hands that Iruka had been so attentive to all week reached up and slid over the contour of his cheek, gently guiding him back to look at Kakashi.

“I didn’t feel like you were in my hair,” Kakashi said, his eyebrow curling upwards, almost sad. “And you’ve been so considerate of me and my space that I definitely haven’t thought of you as hovering.”

Heat rose to Iruka’s face, worsened by the way Kakashi removed his hand from his cheek only to tuck a loose strand of hair behind his ear, the soft caress causing his grip on the book to tighten, doing his damnedest to not embarrass himself by shivering in pleasure. As much as he wanted to Iruka couldn’t look away, somehow both rooted to his spot and feeling the distressed urge to run; it felt like standing on the precipice of something, but what that was Iruka didn’t know. Didn’t dare hope for what he wished it to be.

Kakashi’s visible eye travelled over the details of Iruka’s face, causing Iruka to swallow nervously, and then he glanced down at the book Iruka held and covered Iruka’s hands with his own. They’d healed enough that the wrappings were no longer needed, and the skin was new and unmarred, but they were still quite pink, tender, so Kakashi’s kept his touch delicate. That just made it feel all the more intimate.

Kakashi carefully took the book out of Iruka’s hands and set it aside, though it wasn’t long before he grasped Iruka’s fingers with his own once more, looking back up at him. “You don’t have to leave tonight, you know. You could stay if you wanted to,” Kakashi said, something oddly hopeful in his voice that Iruka didn’t know how to quantify.

“You...don’t want that, not really,” Iruka replied, and he could feel his expression twist sadly as he slid his gaze away, only to find himself staring at their embracing hands. “It’s a kind offer, but I’m sure I’ve overstayed my welcome enough as it is.”

He felt Kakashi’s grip flex a bit before one of his hands pulled back long enough for Kakashi to do something, though Iruka kept his eyes pointed downward and didn’t see what, and then returned in their hand-holding. “Pretty sure I know what I want,” Kakashi said with a little laugh, the sound so pleasant in the face of all the awful things Iruka was feeling that he couldn’t help but glance up, only to flinch when he did.

Kakashi’s mask was pulled down, hooked on the end of his tapered chin, and suddenly Iruka _ really _ didn’t know where to look, hastily tearing his gaze to the ceiling so as not to glimpse anything he ought not to. He heard Kakashi laugh again, not unkindly, only for the man to say, “You can look, Iruka. It’s alright.”

The lack of honorifics had Iruka’s pulse leap wildly in his throat, probably visible with his head tilted back the way it was, and that alone had Iruka bring his gaze back downward, though he was slow and hesitant about it the entire way. Surprisingly, Kakashi didn’t look any different to him, not really. Sure, seeing the man’s mouth, those thin, smiling lips punctuated by a rather cute little beauty mark, was a bit of a trip, but there was something about the image before him that held a sense of melancholic familiarity—as if he’d seen this face before but had forgotten it. Iruka couldn’t really explain it, that odd feeling, but his reaction must’ve been the right one because that smile Iruka was having a hard time looking away from only got wider.

“I don’t understand,” was all Iruka could say, feeling a little helpless in the face of whatever this was, and it must’ve shown because Kakashi seemed to take pity on him. Or, well, he might’ve thought it was pity, but to Iruka it only made his helplessness worse as Kakashi leaned forward and rested his forehead against Iruka’s shoulder, hiding his face away again but giving Iruka something of a heart attack.

“Like I said, I’m pretty sure I know what I want,” Kakashi said, and turned enough to where his breath ghosted over the nape of Iruka’s neck, making him shiver in a way that Iruka was abashed to know had to have been felt by Kakashi. “And I know if you wanted to stay tonight it would make me happy.”

Shaking his head to try and reboot his brain, the helplessness was cranked up a few notches and Iruka said feebly, “But I still don’t understand...why?”

Kakashi pressed a kiss against Iruka’s throat, making him jump, and then pulled back so that they were looking at one another again, Kakashi’s expression soft but serious. “Why not?”

Maybe it was frustration, or desperation, but whatever it was made Iruka tightly press his eyes shut, let out a little defeated noise, and say, “Because I’m in love with you.”

The space around them filled with an oppressive silence, and Iruka was certain he was going to die. His blood rushing in his ears, Iruka could feel the heat on his skin denoting one hell of a full-body blush, and if his hands were free, and he knew the jutsu to perform, he would’ve made the ground split open beneath him and drag him down into the deepest depths of the earth rather than be sitting there, terrified. Gods, Iruka never knew when to keep his mouth shut.

“Iruka, I don’t—”

“It’s okay, I know,” Iruka interrupted quickly, the vice around his heart clenching to such a painful degree he knew it could be heard in the tone of his voice; he couldn’t bring himself to let Kakashi speak, to let him reject him. He wouldn’t survive it. “I’ve felt this way for awhile, and I never once expected you to feel the same way, so it’s okay, I know you don’t...see me like that. But I can’t stay—not if what you’re suggesting is where you want it to go. I wouldn’t—I couldn’t—”

His body trembling from head to foot, Iruka’s voice got painfully quiet and miserable as he finished with, “I’d want more than just a night, and I can’t ask that of you.” 

The silence settled in again, but it wasn’t as oppressive as before, strangely. It felt more contemplative, kind, helped all the more by the fact that Kakashi hadn’t gotten up and left, hadn’t even put any distance between them, and instead was rubbing soothing circles into the backs of Iruka’s hands with his thumbs. And when he spoke, the sound illustrated the shape of the smile he wore, much to Iruka’s amazement.

“You know, you’re the first person to stay in this old house of mine since, well...since before my dad died,” Kakashi said softly, and that wasn’t at all what Iruka had been expecting. His list went on. “I told you before but you’re the first person I ever let feed me, because I don’t let anyone close enough, let alone with my mask down. And to that end, you're the first person to do their damnedest to not see my face, despite the fact that you had every opportunity in the world; even Gai gave into his curiosity the first time I had to take my mask off around him, but he’s always been very honest like that. He made up for it by running 800 laps around Konoha blindfolded, his own self-assigned punishment, which was an unmitigated disaster.”

Kakashi chuckled, and with wonderment fluttering around in his chest Iruka was flummoxed that he was being allowed to actually see what Kakashi looked like when he laughed with his whole countenance. “You’re not the first person to speak out against me for the sake of protecting others, but you’re the first one to do it and not go off and die on me,” Kakashi said, and the mirth in his expression faded a bit, but he continued. “You’re definitely the first to do so in front of the Hokage and all our peers though, that’s for sure.” With that the amusement returned, and shame burned Iruka’s skin as he remembered the chuunin exam nomination fiasco, hating his past actions more than he ever had before in that moment. 

But Kakashi was having none of that, and told him as much as squeezed Iruka’s hands and said, “I’m glad you did. I acted like an ass and said something shitty, because I knew who you were and didn’t like that you were making me second-guess myself. I mean, if you, the teacher they’d had for several years and arguably knew them best, thought I was making a mistake then maybe I _ was._ But I couldn’t doubt my choice, especially in front of everyone, so I was biting and cruel. You were right to voice your concerns, and I was wrong to tear them down the way I did.” As one side of Kakashi’s mouth lifted in a self-admonishing grin, his eye wrinkled in the corner with crow’s feet, the air was punched out of Iruka’s lungs with how damn beautiful he looked.

“But my point is you were the first person to have the gall to question me like that, even in a room full of people who were your superiors, and when I thought about it later, I gotta say I was impressed. It was the first of many impression you've left on me since knowing you, Iruka, and I’ve come to cherish every single one.” And though they had to hurt, the skin raw and new after healing from the burns, Kakashi's hands never once let Iruka’s go and brought them upwards, pressing a soft kiss against Iruka’s knuckles.

“But the most important _ first _ I’ve had with you is right here, right now,” Kakashi said, not letting Iruka’s fingers get too far away from his lips as he spoke, his eye boring into Iruka’s. “Because for the first time someone I’ve fallen in love with is saying they love me right back.”

And just like that, it felt as if the world faded away around Iruka until all he could focus on was Kakashi, the unbelievable words that had come out of that kissable mouth, and his heart madly drumming a disjointed steccato in his breast. For a little over a year he’d been of the belief that he was too weak, too unremarkable, too much of everything that Kakashi was _ not _ to be of any interest to a man like him, and now his entire worldview was being flipped on its head. Iruka couldn’t wrap his brain around it, was utterly overwhelmed, and to his utmost shame tears sprang up to his eyes and spilled over, reminding him of how badly he had to be blushing with the sensation of each cool tear standing out in stark relief against his hot skin. Iruka wanted to disappear, he wanted to fall forward into Kakashi’s arms and bury himself there—Iruka didn’t know what he actually wanted.

But Kakashi did.

Letting Iruka’s hands go for the first time in awhile Kakashi instead scooted closer, wrapped himself around Iruka in an all-encompassing embrace, and kissed his temple as he held him so tenderly and nuzzled his face into Iruka’s hair. Iruka loosed his barely restrained urge to _ touch _ and grabbed Kakashi’s shirt at the sides tightly, crying as quietly as he could against his shoulder, and let the self-doubt and anxiety and everything that stood between him and accepting that Kakashi was being honest, that he actually loved him too, go. He had no idea how much time had passed when he finally calmed down, simply breathing in Kakashi’s scent as he teased the fabric of Kakashi’s shirt between his fingers, but it wasn't really a concern when they pulled away from each other enough that he could look into Kakashi’s lovely face again.

They were close, so close that Iruka could see how long Kakashi’s eyelashes were (just another charming detail about him, to which many were starting to stack up), but they didn’t do more than stare at one another until Kakashi caressed his cheeks, swiped the remnants of tears away, and smiled that beautiful smile again. “There’s one first I’m still missing,” he said, and Iruka couldn’t help himself as he leaned a bit into one of the hands against his face; he hoped he wasn’t hurting him, but Kakashi seemed fine so he didn’t let himself worry too much about it.

“What’s that?” Iruka murmured.

Kakashi leaned ever so slightly closer and said, “My first kiss.”

Well, Iruka could definitely help with that, even if he was a little mystified by the idea that someone like Hatake Kakashi had never been kissed. Let alone that he’d be the first one to do it. He wasn’t a teacher for nothing, however, and was more than happy to show Kakashi how it was done. So he met him half-way when Kakashi shifted a little bit more, and their lips met in a soft, warm kiss, made absolutely sweet by the thrilled sound that Kakashi made. Whether or not Iruka left that night didn’t matter anymore, just like it didn’t matter that Iruka still had his reservations that he was worthy of any of this. What mattered was the feel of those tortured hands pulling his hair free of its ponytail, brushing through the loose strands in curious delight, made obvious by the smile Iruka could feel press against his own mouth; what mattered was that he was allowed, nay, encouraged to slide his hands underneath Kakashi’s shirt and feel the warmth of them press into cooler, pale skin, tracing the outlines of each and every scar along Kakashi’s back.

What mattered was that Iruka had the man he loved in his grasp and he was never going to let him go. And maybe, just maybe, Kakashi would be that person he’d always hoped to have in his life that would hold onto him as tightly as he held on to them.

Well, there’s a first time for everything.


End file.
